[Dr. Bailey, who is pregnant, is in the OR]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Do not kick me.
Dr. George O'Malley: Excuse me?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Are you kicking me under the table, O'Malley?
Dr. George O'Malley: No!
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Then clearly, I wasn't talkin' to you.
[Dr. Bailey groans, steps back from the operating table]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [Talking to her stomach] You cannot kick me while I'm doing my job.
[Massages a spot on her stomach, Meredith and George just look at her]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [pauses] Thank you.
[Goes back to the operating table, and resumes the surgery]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Every intern wants to perform their first surgery. That's not your job. Do you know what your job is? To make your resident happy. Do I look happy? No! Why? Because my interns are whiny. You know what will make me look happy? Having the code team staffed, having the trauma pages answered, having the weekend labs delivered and having someone down in the pit doing the sutures. No one holds a scalpel until I'm so happy I'm Mary Freaking Poppins.
Dr. Preston Burke: Do you think I'm too confident?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: No.
Dr. Preston Burke: Don't lie.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You are my boss.
Dr. Preston Burke: All right, then. Anything you say in the next 30 seconds is free, starting now.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I think you're cocky, arrongant, bossy and pushy. You also have a God complex. You never think about anybody but your damn self.
Dr. Preston Burke: -But...
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I have 22 more seconds. I'm not done.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: And will someone tell me...
[notices panties on board]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: ... tell me whose GOD DAMN PANTIES, ARE ON THE BULLETIN BOARD! This is a HOSPITAL people! We SAVE LIVES!
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Izzie, the Dr. Shepherds need an intern up in NICU.
Dr. Isobel "Izzie" Stevens: Wait, both of them? Together? And me by myself... w-with the two married people, who hate each other?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Go! Cristina, you're on the thoracotomy.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Oh, with Burke? I can't have the hateful married couple instead?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [Dr. Bailey is in labor and exits her hospital room to see Dr. Webber, Dr. O'Malley and Dr. Shepherd outside] What are you people doing out here?
Dr. Richard Webber: Are you all right? Can I get you anything?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: A boy the size of a ten pound bowling ball is working his way out of my body. Can you get me something for that? Can you get me a new vagina?
Dr. Richard Webber: Uh... well...
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I didn't think so.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Something careless this way comes.
Helen Rubenstein: I keep telling her there's more to life than surgery and career.
Dr. Cristina Yang: [Irritated] Mother... Go bolster something.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Look I need you to relax, shut up, and get better. You're a patient this week so you can be a doctor next week. Understand?
Dr. Cristina Yang: [Grabs Meredith] Mer, MER. You can NOT leave me alone with her... I am flying over the coo-coo's nest here, you have to save me!
Dr. Meredith Grey: You need time to heal.
Dr. Cristina Yang: I'm healed... I'M HEALED!
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [to Izzie] What do we know about Mr Duquette?
Denny Duquette: Capricorn, single, loves to travel and cook.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [about the residents] I thought you told me to keep the animals under control!?
Dr. Richard Webber: From time to time, I like to go to the zoo.
Dr. Preston Burke: [taking the X-ray and showing it to Bailey walking by] You remember this guy?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Ay, the tattooed masochist
Dr. Preston Burke: Had himself shot again
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Glad to see he's still stupid
[Christina hold's Dr. Bailey's baby up to the intercom so she can hear the baby crying]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: That's cry number four. You need to feed it
Dr. Alex Karev: [whining] My head hurts!
Dr. Cristina Yang: Maybe it's a tumor...
Dr. Alex Karev: Yea, you wish I had a tumor.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Look, I'd rip your face off if it ment I got to scrub in.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Total 007.
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: 007? What's 007?
Dr. Meredith Grey: Licensed to kill.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Katie competes in beauty pageants.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: I know that, but we have to save her life anyway.
Dr. Cristina Yang: [to Meredith, about Izzie] She's the vice president of fantasyland!
Dr. Meredith Grey: They're everywhere. All the time. Izzie's all perky and George does this thing where he's helpful and considerate. They share food, and they say things, and they move things, and they breathe. Ugh, they're, like, happy.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Kick them out.
Dr. Meredith Grey: I can't kick them out, they just moved in. I asked them to move in.
Dr. Cristina Yang: So what, you're just going to repress everything in some deep, dark, twisted place until one day you snap and you kill them?
Dr. Meredith Grey: Yep
Dr. Cristina Yang: That's why we are friends
Dr. Cristina Yang: Hey Syph-boy!
Dr. George O'Malley: You told her?
Dr. Isobel "Izzie" Stevens: Just Cristina.
Dr. Alex Karev: Syph-boy - it's got a nice ring to it. Kinda like Super-boy, only
[pauses]
Dr. Alex Karev: diseased.
Dr. Meredith Grey: All right, details. You're pregnant? What are you gonna do?
Dr. Cristina Yang: Well, you know what happens to pregnant interns. I'm not switching to vagina squad or spending my life popping zits. I'm too talented, surgery's my life.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Which begs the question, who are you sleeping with?
Dr. Cristina Yang: Just a guy.
Dr. Meredith Grey: That's all I get? You can't just bring something like this up and expect me to drop it.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Well, watch me.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Let's play a game of whose life sucks the most. I'll win. I always win.
Dr. Cristina Yang: You don't wanna play with me.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Oh, I do. I'll even go first. Derek's married.
[George spits his beer out]
Dr. Isobel "Izzie" Stevens: George, beer is dripping from your nostrils.
[He walks off]
Dr. Meredith Grey: Told ya I'd win.
Dr. Cristina Yang: No, you don't win.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Did you hear me? I said Derek is married, as in pig-headed, adulterous, liar, married. Nothing you could say could top that.
Dr. Cristina Yang: I'm pregnant. I win.
[Joe collapses]
Dr. Cristina Yang: Ok, maybe Joe wins.
Dr. Meredith Grey: After all this time, all your warnings about me sleeping with my boss and you're doing the same exact thing.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Oh, it's not the same thing.
Dr. Meredith Grey: It's the exact same!
Dr. Cristina Yang: No, it's not. You and McDreamy are in a relationship.
Dr. Meredith Grey: And you and Burke are in?
Dr. Cristina Yang: Switzerland. It's very neutral there and they make very nice watches
Dr. Cristina Yang: You know, he's acting like I committed a crime. Like my apartment is full of stolen goods. He's acting like I kept my apartment to hide stolen good so I could do illegal transplants for money.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Are you sure he's not just acting like you lied to him about moving in?
Dr. Cristina Yang: What the hell's wrong with you?
Dr. Meredith Grey: My mommy's a filthy whore.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I've been gone two weeks. Two weeks! And you ran off two residents. I've got people phoning me at home, screaming, telling me my interns are Rosemary's babies! Nobody wants you! Do you think I have time for this? I am pregnant! I'm supposed to be on bedrest! I'm supposed to be growing a human being. I am supposed to be calm! Do I look calm to you! Did I raise you fools to be pariahs!
Dr. Cristina Yang: You know in the movies, how there's always the hero and then there's the other guy? You know, the guy who sees danger, and then runs in the opposite direction?
Dr. Preston Burke: Yes.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Be the other guy.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Burke, you awake?
[pause]
Dr. Cristina Yang: I love you too
Dr. Meredith Grey: [Meredith is laying on her bathroom floor] It's not us. It's them. Them and their stupid boy... penises. They didn't tell me they had a wife. They gave absolutely no warning that they were going to break up with you.
Dr. Cristina Yang: [Cristina, who is sitting in the shower, slides the shower door open] It's not that Burke broke up with me. It's how he broke up with me. Like it was business. Like a business trans... Like he's the boss of me.
Dr. Meredith Grey: He is the boss of you.
Dr. Cristina Yang: And what's worse is that I care.
Dr. Meredith Grey: I'm gonna throw up again.
[Meredith gets up from the floor and crawls to the toilet. Cristina slides the shower door closed. Meredith groans]
Dr. Meredith Grey: No. Wait. False alarm.
Dr. Cristina Yang: [Cristina slides the shower door open again, Meredith sits up, her back against the wall] Look, the problem is estrogen.
Dr. Meredith Grey: No, the problem is tequila.
Dr. Cristina Yang: You know I used to be all business, and then he goes and gets me pregnant.
Dr. Meredith Grey: [with her eyes closed, pointing her finger in the air] With the stupid boy penis.
Dr. Cristina Yang: [with her head on her arm, exasperated] Now I'm having hormone surges.
[Cristina looks up]
Dr. Cristina Yang: He ruined me. I'm ruined. He turned me into this... fat, stupid, pregnant girl... who cares.
[Cristina closes the shower door again]
Dr. Cristina Yang: Estrogen.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Penises.
[door opens, Izzie and George come into the bathroom]
Dr. Meredith Grey: Penises, Izzie!
Dr. Cristina Yang: [opens the shower] Estrogen, George.
[holds up a glass and Izzie pours more Fiji bottled water into it]
Dr. George O'Malley: [looks at Cristina] Okay.
[to Izzie]
Dr. George O'Malley: What did I miss?
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: Came home to full-on vomit drama. Apparently she dumped Derek. And her.
[in a whisper]
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: She's been sleeping with Burke.
Dr. George O'Malley: I knew that.
[to Meredith]
Dr. George O'Malley: So you really broke up with Shepherd?
[starts brushing his teeth]
Dr. Meredith Grey: [softly] I feel empty.
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: Two hours of vomiting will do that to you.
[begins brushing her teeth]
Dr. Meredith Grey: No, I feel empty.
Dr. Cristina Yang: You're lucky. I feel pissed off.
[Cristina closes the shower]
Dr. Cristina Yang: [about the key Burke gave her to his apartment] What the hell is this?
Dr. Preston Burke: It's a key.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Why?
Dr. Preston Burke: Why is it a key? Are we feeling existential this morning?
Dr. Cristina Yang: Well, if a key turns in a lock and no one asked for the key or even wanted the key, does it make a sound?
Dr. Cristina Yang: [to Burke after sleeping with him] That was definitely worth being late.
Dr. Cristina Yang: [about Alex] If I stuck this fork into his thigh, would I get in trouble?
Dr. Meredith Grey: Not if you make it look like an accident.
Dr. Meredith Grey: I'm stupid.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Slutty mistress.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Pregnant whore.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Sleeping with our bosses was a GREAT idea...
Helen Rubenstein: The daughter I raised would appreciate her mothers help.
Dr. Cristina Yang: The daughter you raised is begging for you to go NOW.
Helen Rubenstein: I didn't have to come here. You know I'm very busy.
Dr. Cristina Yang: I know, I know. Re-decorating your house.
Helen Rubenstein: [Stands at the end of Cristina's bed, glaring]
Dr. Cristina Yang: Well, can you get me a mocha latte, please?
Helen Rubenstein: A non-fat one.
Dr. Cristina Yang: No... A fat one.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Your mother called me a racist! She thinks I'm a racist stripper!
Dr. Cristina Yang: You are eight feet tall. Your boobs are perfect. Your hair is down to there. If I was you I would just walk around naked all the time. I wouldn't have a job, I wouldn't have any skills, I wouldn't even know how to read. I would just be... naked.
Dr. Isobel "Izzie" Stevens: It's makeup. It's retouching.
Dr. Cristina Yang: You get that we hate you, right?
Dr. Cristina Yang: Did you bring Callie's flshcards?
Dr. George O'Malley: No.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Oh, no cake for you.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: [waking up] Ugh.
[picks up Meredith's bra]
Dr. Derek Shepherd: This is... uh.
Dr. Meredith Grey: [grabs her bra from him] Humiliating, on so many levels. You have to go.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Why don't you just come back down here and we'll pick up where we left off?
Dr. Meredith Grey: No, seriously. You have to go. I'm late. Which isn't what you wanna be on your first day of work so...
Dr. Derek Shepherd: So, you actually live here?
Dr. Meredith Grey: No.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Oh.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Yes. Kind of.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Oh. It's nice. A little dusty. Odd. That's nice. Huh. How do you "kind of" live here?
Dr. Meredith Grey: I moved two weeks ago from Boston. It was my mother's house. I'm selling it.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Oh, I'm sorry.
Dr. Meredith Grey: For what?
Dr. Derek Shepherd: You said "was."
Dr. Meredith Grey: Oh, my mother's not dead. She's - you know what? We don't have to do The Thing.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Oh. We can do anything you want.
Dr. Meredith Grey: No, the Thing. Exchange the details, pretend we care. Look, I'm gonna go upstairs and take a shower. Okay? And when I get back here, you won't be here so, um... good-bye, um...
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Derek.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Derek. Right, Meredith.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Meredith?
Dr. Meredith Grey: Yeah.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Nice meeting you.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Bye Derek.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I have five rules. Memorize them. Rule number one, don't bother sucking up. I already hate you, that's not gonna change. Trauma protocol, phone list, pagers, nurses will page you. You will answer every page at a run. A run! That's rule number two. Your first shift starts now and lasts 48 hours. You're interns, grunts, nobodies, bottom of the surgical food chain. You run labs, right orders, work every second night until you drop, and don't complain. On-call rooms. Attendings hog them. Sleep when you can, where you can, which brings me to rule number three. If I'm sleeping, don't wake me unless your patient is actually dying. Rule number four: the dying patient better not be dead when I get there. Not only will you have killed someone, you would have woke me for no good reason. We clear?
[Meredith raises her hand]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Yes?
Dr. Meredith Grey: You said five rules. That was only four.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Rule number five: When I move, you move.
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